purple-mel

im drowning in a sea of conformists!!

as a dear friend once always said.......


"......and thats why im going to hell"


sums up my lifes events - thank you

things get very confusing. on one hand my personal development and meaningful things are at an all time high, however social life seems to be an epic fail. i honestly dont know how you get the balance right. i seem to be pissing people off a lot of the time so im forever baking cakes to make up for it. you'd think id be good at it by now but they still taste as bittersweet as they always did.

im nostalgic too which doesnt help. forever thinking about what could have been and thats really not good for present situations. i need an adventure - a big one like oxford. that was nice.

im not depressed, im just confused  :S oh my

Rant!


im getting to the stage where im coming to the end of my very sheltered and childish lifestyle and i seem to be the only one accepting the change and handling it well. im currently sat in my flat of my third work placement really enjoying the time and space even if the social side is really rubbish.

aside from me, because in my life my opinion obviously dosent matter,  everyone else still wants to make decisions for me, telling me what stage in my life im going to do this that and the other. it seems that between the people close to me, theyve got everything worked out, where im going to live next, what year im getting married, etc. everything seems to be sorted as far as my future is concered. what i want to know is that am i allowed to have a say in this?

what ever happened to college days and doing what the hell i liked? not that i was reckless but the future was still unknown back then, it was scary but it was great. at least i had more control then, than i do now. everythings going far to fast, ist like i can see my life in 5 years time - nothing else left to aim for because everything else has been decided already. so what now? where do i go from here? there will be nothing left for me apart from marriage and a full time job. i know its the same for most people but at least they have hope and prospects. mine seemed to have got lost along the way or cast aside by those that try to control me.

if i was a better person i would stand up and say no, dont run my life. but the truth is i know they have my best interests at heart and i cant say anything to hurt them. i just wish they'd let me go before i let go of my life

... with the fact that essays are pointess, if you have very little to say the word count is bound to be excessive however this stupid motivation essay, where i have lots to say, is condensed into 1000. Therefore it is impossible to go through an assignment without banging your head on the desk.


jeeze its been a long day, lots of daydreams and song lyrics floating about in the space where my brain should be.